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Song Details
Rank this week: 53 (↑17)
Duration: 4:04 
Release Date: 1973  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Monty Python (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Jacquemin/Howman/Gilliam (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Arista AL 4039 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI  #1928931 
  • Also known as "Nothing Happened." (peterpuck9)
  • The BMI site credits this bit to all six Pythons, so like the rest of these bits, the lyrics are simply credited to 'Monty Python' unless known for sure otherwise. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Audio-only variation of "The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker" (from Ep. 6 of the Python series, 11/69), the premise being that exiting things fail to happen to squirrely office guy despite being surrounded by them. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    (ominous music)

    June the 4th, 1973, was much like any other summer's day in Peterborough, and Ralph Mellish, a file clerk at an insurance company, was on his way to work as usual when... (da dum!) Nothing happened! (dum dum da dum) Scarcely able to believe his eyes, Ralph Mellish looked down. But one glance confirmed his suspicions. Behind a bush, on the side of the road, there was *no* severed arm. No dismembered trunk of a man in his late fifties. No head in a bag. Nothing. Not a sausage. For Ralph Mellish, this was *not* to be the start of any trail of events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither a tangled knot of suspicion, nor any web of lies, which would, had he been not involved, surely have led him to no other place, than the central criminal court of the Old Bailey. (muttering voices, Judge's gavel banging)

    But it was not to be (ominous music returns). Ralph Mellish reached his office in Dulls-ells Street in Peterborough, at 9:05 a.m., exactly the same time as he usually got in!

    (door opens)

    Enid: "Morning, Mr. Mellish"

    Ralph: "Morning, Enid"

    Enid, a sharp-eyed, clever young girl, who had been with the firm for only 4 weeks, couldn't help noticing the complete absence of tiny but tell-tale blood stains on Mr. Mellish's clothing. Nor did she notice anything strange in Mr. Mellish's behavior that whole morning. Nor the next morning. Nor at any time before or since the entire period she worked for that firm.

    Ralph: "Have the new paper clips arrived, Enid?"

    Enid: "Yes, they're over there, Mr. Mellish." (faintly) "Oh..."

    But for the lack of any untold circumstances for this secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Mellish in anything illegal, the full weight of the law would insure that Ralph Auldis Mellish would have ended up like all who challenge the fundamental laws of our society. In an iron coffin with spikes on the inside.
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 8.8 (2 votes)
    Played on 2 shows:
    08-18-13, #MMS-16709-06-11, #BWR-11-09-06
    = Show you can listen to online
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "The Adventures Of Ralph Mellish"
    peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  12-22-12 01:42 AM  -  6 years ago
    I just remembered this bit because the world was supposed to end yesterday and "nothing happened".
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